Embracing the Happy with Lyme

Lyme disease (and its co-infections) is a lot like a monster that constantly changes size; sometimes, it’s small enough you can step on it–squish squish–while other times, it grows massive to the point of crushing you.

But you never really know how big the bastard will grow, if he’ll disappear entirely, or just be a terrifying nuisance, another stumbling block in day to day life.

But you never forget what he is capable of. His shadow generates terror.

Today is both hard, and not hard at all.

On the one hand, there was Sunday night. We packed up the kayaks, blew up some tubes, and headed down to Titusville with some dear friends. As the sun set and the sky turned to inky purple, we slid our kayaks into the lagoon. The dark water lit up with a cerulean glow — and we paddled into the peaceful night, our faces lit with every splash or stroke of a paddle. The best of the best times.

On the other, there’s today. Brain fog. Exhaustion. Pain in his leg. The strange mottling in his hands.

I can’t focus because worry wraps icy fingers around my heart. Jason’s shoulder spasmed in his sleep last night.

I wonder if we’re transitioning back to darker times.

But that’s a problem for tomorrow’s Sarah.

Embrace Happy

I suppose it’s something I’m learning — to try and seize the moments of joy in the chaos, to really embrace them in a way that healthy people don’t pay any mind to.

I suppose that I feel shy in sharing the happy moments because the severity of this can be utterly soul-sucking.

But it’s not, yet. Not today.

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